Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Sitting in the Silence of God.



I sit in the silence of God.

I sit in his absence and emptiness. He does not speak to me. He does not make his presence felt.

I feel so hollow. I am the very void I fear falling into.

I sit in the silence of God.

Why wont you talk to me? Why wont you draw near? Why wont you hold me?

I sit in your silence.

Is there another prayer I need to say? Is there another confession I need to make to add to the thousands upon thousands that I have already uttered? What is the magic word you wish to hear?

I sit in your silence.

I am tired beyond tired. I admit without hesitation that I am guilty of every crime, including wanting to be you. I am not you. And I'll say it again...I am NOT YOU.

Speak to me. Hold me and make your presence felt deeper & stronger than any reality there is. If this is to be a relationship, then be here NOW! Do not walk away or keep yourself hidden from me. I am desperate for you.

I am sitting in your silence and I DO NOT like it.

Your thoughts are not my thoughts, and your ways are not my ways. I cannot fathom you, and I accept that. But I cannot fathom your silence, and that I DO NOT accept!

A relationship is a two way street. When I speak to my earthly father, he will speak back to me. He will touch me. I can BE in his presence. Why cannot I be in yours?

I sit in your silence.
A silence I do not accept.

What is this lesson, this test, that you have set me in? I see enough pain & death in this world every day. I see the ugliness of sin, and the hideous results it brings. Do I need to see even more? I know loneliness. Is there even a deeper understanding of it that you wish for me to know?

I sit in the silence of God.

Please do not test my faith. I have so little to begin with. I am weak and faithless in all my ways. I need you to give me faith. I need you to give me strength. I need you to save me from myself. I NEED YOU!

If your back is turned away from me, at least let me see your back. If you are hiding from me, at least let me see the place where you hide. If you will not speak to me, at least let me hear the sound of your breath.

I am so hungry and thirsty for you. If I cannot stand in your presence, at least let me sit near the steps of your house...even the foot path will do.

I sit in the silence of God...
and it hurts the ears of my heart to it's very core.



NO peace.

Joe

2 comments:

  1. When we feel the opposite of what we are wanting to feel, it means we know what it feels like to feel what we want to feel.

    It is like, if you know who you are not, you know who you are.

    In the absence of His presence, there is His presence too... For without His presence we wouldn't fathom His absence...

    He is omnipresent. Feel the Love you have for him and that is the feeling of His presence. He is Love...

    Great post! So beautifully written!

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    Replies
    1. This past Autumn I read a book titled "Insurrection" by the N. Ireland Christian philosopher, Peter Rollins. (I enjoy him because his is controversial and drives Fundamentalists crazy) In the chapter "To believe is human; to doubt divine," he makes some interesting comments that I found helpful.

      Peter wrote; "It is easy for us to take the experience of God's absence as a rejection of God's presence...but a proper Christological reflection should lead us to see the felt experience of God's absence as the fundamental way of entering into the presence of God. While various religious systems provide a place for this painful experience of unknowing, in Christianity when one is crushed by a deep, existential loss of certainty, one find oneself in Christ."

      I'm not certain if that thought would help everyone, but it did help me.

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