Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Advent of Justin Bieber as a Chewy Toy...with a moral to the story.

This post might seem a bit odd at first. Not that there is anything new about that coming from me. However, please do watch the video at the end of this piece. This all may make more sense then.

This past Friday was "Black Friday." The day in which the average retailer hopes to turn a profit after selling stuff all year.

I didn't go to the malls to buy anything. I did, however, go to one place just to watch everyone else going crazy. I have a sadistic streak in me that must be satisfied I suppose. So I went to a local shopping center and watched the suffering of others. It was least to me.

Americans are addicted to commercialism. Our nation's economy depends upon people going out and buying things we don't really need. It's a strange situation to find yourself in. It's not as if we are lacking for food, clothing or comfort. But that kid working at American Eagle needs you to buy another sweatshirt so they can pay for their college.

I have no answer for how we can get out of this.

I need to see that movie.

I like to give presents. I really do. However, I am trying very hard to give gifts that have a good deal of significance to them. It's pretty easy to spend a lot of money on something that is nice, but will easily be forgotten in short order. So I like to make things to give to people. I created 5 varieties of salsa over the summer that I will package up and give to my friends and family. It's practical and tasty...and will be remembered.

When I give out Christmas cards, they are either gross & mildly obscene, or they deal with Hannukah, Kwanza and Tet. Again, my stuff will be remembered for quite some time.

My dog thoroughly enjoys Christmas. She loves the wrapping paper because it makes an excellent chewy toy. (It's funny, but messy.) She goes nuts opening her gifts, and the whole family enjoys the spectacle.

This year, I decided to be truly goofy. I purchased for the dog a Justin Beiber doll. I thought that the site of the dog chewing the snot out of that thing would be rather amusing, and would make for great pictures on FaceBook. As it turns out, I was correct.

I had to take the little Bieber doll out of the plastic package so that the dog would be able to open in properly and not choke on the accessories. In the process, my weird brain decided to have some fun. The following is a story book of sorts. 18 photos that tell a Christmas tale for the whole family. Enjoy!

Little Bieber has a new home, and he was very, very happy. "I'mma tell you one time. Please take me out of this package so I can play with you," he said.

"I will help you decorate your house for Christmas," said little Bieber.

So little Bieber climbed the ladder to put up the big, green light above the garage. "This is difficult for me because I am so tiny," said he.

After he installed the pretty light, little Bieber put the top back on the lamp. "There will now be one less lonely lamp," said he.

Oops! Little Bieber slipped off the light and missed the ladder. "Baby, baby, NO!" cried little Bieber.

Little Bieber was in a pickle. Because he was a tiny, little midget, he could not get back to the ladder. "I know I said I will never let you go, but I must do so and jump to the pavement from here," said little Bieber.

Oops! Poor little Bieber fell right onto the mouse traps that mean old Joey had strewn about the garage floor. "Ow, ow, ow!" squealed little Bieber. "I will never make it to puberty at this rate."

Little Bieber freed himself from the mouse traps and sulked back into the house. "I need an Usher to open these doors for me," said little Bieber.

Little Bieber was very sad as he climbed the stairs.

Little Bieber sat at the top of the stairs and cried. "Boo-Hoo," he sniffed. "I only wanted to help make Christmas special before the dog starts chewing on me."

Then along came Smeagol who asked, "What's Christmas, Precious?!?!"

Little Bieber said, "It's when Jesus gave birth to Santa in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. It's a tradition to go deep into debt to buy items that will be quickly forgotten, and give them to people that you often can barely tolerate in a vain attempt to win their affection."

"Okie dokie," said Smeagol to little Bieber. "I will give you this microphone as a present. Then you can sing to me for my present."

Little Bieber went into the bathroom and cleaned himself up for his big performance for Smeagol. "Now I will be one less lonely girl," said little Bieber.

So little Bieber sang and sang and sang all night long. Mostly he covered ballads by Marty Robbins and Hank Williams.

Smeagol was mildly disappointed that little Bieber did not sing the "Flower Duet" from Delibes' opera "Lakme." However, he thoroughly enjoyed the fan magazine that he purchased at the concession stand. "My precious!" said Smeagol as he perused the weighty tome of literature.

Little Bieber's performance at the Bloomington "Fish" Bowl was a big success. (The guppies were very happy too.)

After the show, Smeagol helped little Bieber put up a Christmas tree. "This will be the best Christmas EVER!" squealed little Bieber.

"I am glad that we are friends," said Smeagol to little Bieber. "I have another friend in Mordor that I would like you to meet."

"Oh BOY! This really IS the best Christmas ever," said little Bieber as they both walked off, hand in hand, to the Black Gate together.

And may all your Christmases be just as merry.

The irony of the above story is that I really do not need to comment upon it at all. Look around yourself the next time you're at the mall, watching TV commercials, listening to the Christmas ads on the radio. You understand instinctively the absurdity of the above story in relation to what Christmas is really supposed to be about. You could be an islamic covert to atheism and still get the point.

So as a counter point, I give you Rick McKinley.

God gave himself as a gift. Give yourself away. Spend less. Worship more.

It's just a thought.



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