Friday, November 5, 2010

Laura and the Million Watt Smile

I have a friend at work who has been having a tough couple of days. Normally, she looks a lot like the picture on the right. However, for a few days now, she has looked a lot more like the picture on the left. This travesty simply cannot stand. Something must be done about this situation. This is my vain attempt at making her smile again.

I shall now endeavor to tell all the readers of this post a few stories about my friend Laura...and ALL of them are completely accurate & true. (I would lie to you, but I would never, ever kid you about something this serious.)

The first thing that everyone should know about Laura is that she normally smiles A LOT. Her her smile tends to be so bright that many people need to visit the opthamologist after receiving it's full force. In fact, when ever there is a power outage at the store, the management will simply ask Laura to stand on a rotating pedestal in the main aisle and grin. The glow from her pearly whites illuminates every corner, from the dairy to the produce department and all points in between.

At the moment, her smile is dimmed. She told me today that she may have the first lovely strains of strep throat. This would be most unfortunate due to the fact that the other day I watched as she meticulously licked every coffee cup in the department manager's offices. (I inquired as to why she was licking all those mugs. Her only explanation, in between dousing cups with copious amounts of saliva, was that it was just one of those OCD kind of things. Sad, so sad.)

Speaking of OCD, another thing that you should know about Laura is her tendency to play practical jokes on customers in the Deli. As you can see from the second photograph, Laura likes to camouflage herself and then hide in piles of freshly sliced meats. (She says that the blood from the roast beef only accentuates her cologne, and the ensuing mess doesn't bother her since she rarely showers after leaving the gym to come to work anyway.)

Once she has squirreled herself deeply inside I pile of of meat...sometimes a bowl of potato salad or Asian coleslaw, she will simply wait for an unsuspecting customer. Once said customer has approached the deli counter to request prompt and friendly service from our eternally vigilant and never-overworked staff, she will plot her next move.

The circumstance may vary, but they often play out along the following lines: A customer will ask if the meat is fresh or something like that. Laura will then spring forth from the pile of food and shout, "You BET it's fresh! JUST LIKE MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!" The outcomes can vary also, but they tend to involve cardiac arrests, a sizable mess on the floor in need of a quick cleaning...and me getting a call to head on over. (Thank you for that, Laura.)

A third thing you should know about Laura is that she played hockey in High School. She was a goalie. In fact, Laura was interviewed by the local Bloomington cable access channel once due to her amazing skills. It took me some time to dig it up, but here is the actual clip from that interview. Pay no heed to the beard. Laura had been using a good deal of growth hormones at the time to make her a more menacing opponent.

Most people do not know that she spent many of the years of her youth in Montreal. Hence the accent.

I'll bet you didn't know either that when she played hockey, Laura earned the nickname of "Sniper" for her amazing aim. Don't believe me? Well, check out this footage that her Dad took of a practice down at Running Park from her Sophomore year of school.

Speaking of nicknames!!!! Laura and I workout at the same gym. She routinely enjoys mocking & teasing me for my wimpishness. I am certain that if sand were available, she would kick it in my face. This is because she is a fiend in the gym. Where as I am more of the "I'll just stand around talking to people and pretend I am actually doing something" kind of exerciser. As such, she impresses all passers-by. She impressed one gentleman so much that he approached and proclaimed loudly to her "Say Bay-bay. Yo body be Bangin'!" (I'm sure that despite the obvious display of a wedding ring on Laura's part could simply not thwart the need for such a fine gentleman to state the obvious for all to hear.)

At any rate, Laura now wears the moniker of "Bangin'" proudly, and it has become a catch-all phrase for all things lovely, joyous and wonderful at our store. If we see an employee with a pile of deli pans in the sink, one might ask the individual how the washing is progressing. The appropriate response would be, "The dishes are just BANGIN!" If someone cuts open a finger on the meat slicer, causing a spewm of steaming red offal to usher forth, it is not uncommon for them to yell out "BANGIN!" in leu of a stream of Blue words. If I call goes out for someone (i.e. ME) to unclog a toilet that has been filled by someone who has ingested far to much meat & cheese, and not nearly enough fiber, it would be perfectly natural for me to utter something along the lines of, "Well, isn't that just BANGIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Oddly enough, many years ago a song was written for Laura by a Canadian band in honor of her youth in Quebec. She has since embraced this brand of Old-School rock n roll and made it her gym anthem. She keeps it handy when ever she seeks to do one of her famous "Burn-out" sets on the Fly machine. (I believe that her record is 517 reps at 6olbs.)

Most impressive! But then again, so is she. :) And I hope that she feels better very soon.


P.S. Stop licking those coffee mugs!