Friday, February 5, 2010

An Open Letter to God

"My Father, who is in heaven,
You & your name are Holy.
Please bring your kingdom,
and make your will done,
in my life...just like it is in heaven.
Give me what I need to get by for today.
Protect me from myself & Satan.
Please forgive me.
And help me to be able to forgive myself & others."

I am mad at you. Why do you refuse to answer me? You never seem to talk to me at all. You want to know why I don't like to talk to you? Because you never say anything back. When I pray, I might as well be talking to a brick wall.

You say that you want to have a relationship with me. A relationship that is more powerful than I could have with even my best friends. The difference is that when I talk to my friends, they actually talk back to me. If I ask them a question, they can give me a straight answer. You could...but you don't. What kind of relationship is that?

There have been times in the past where I felt you next to me. I felt your presence so close and more real than flesh. I could hear you speak to my heart. What happened? Is my heart and mind so far away and cold that you don't care anymore?

How come all of those crazy T.V. preachers say that you talk to them when they are shaving in the mirror? How come they claim that they can hear your voice on a daily, if not hourly, basis? I want to hear your voice. Why won't you talk to me?

Don't misunderstand me. I know that I have all kinds of crap on my plate. I know how dark my heart is. I know the sin that lives there. I know that Dan Allender is right...and I WILL name my brokeness and admit that at heart I am a Killer and a Whore. I know that RIGHT NOW I am still refusing to give everything into your hands. I am selfish & willful. I am also a hypocritical, fearful coward. I want to be in control. And I am afraid of you and what will happen if I did give everything over to you.

I don't trust you. You scare me. Maybe if I could hear your voice, I wouldn't be scared. Maybe if you talked to me just like my friends do, I would trust you. I want you to do what I want, even though I do not have the right to ask. Talk to me, DAMN IT!!!!!!!

There, I said it.

Do you think I like being in this condition? (Actually, YES, a part of my DOES like it. It is the Way of Death, but it is what I I wrap it around me like a dirty, itchy blanket.) Do you think I like doing what I am doing, my job, my pointless existence, the garbage that drips in my mind & thoughts? I hate it!

You could fix it. I have asked over and over for you to take certain temptations away from me. I have asked for you to make me forget all about them. You could change my brain with out even blinking. Why do you let certain things remain? Why won't you just save me from myself? What are you trying to teach me?

You know that I want to work for your kingdom. You have given me so many good gifts to use. You have given me a good mind which loves to learn. You have given me a good voice that can speak to people. You know that I want to use all of the gifts you gave me to serve the kingdom.

All I do now is work in a grocery store. I am a grunt, nothing more. Is my lot in life to be a guy that can cheer a few people up from time to time, and then just dig trash out of carts? What are you trying to teach me?

Is there a magic phrase I need to speak? Is there some pill or potion I need to swallow? Is there some button I need to push? What do I have to do to get out of my circumstances?

I don't want to be powerful, or famous, or even rich. (I would like to make a decent living, though. Poverty sucks!) You know full well that I don't really care about any of that. You know that I know it is empty. I want more than that. I want purpose. I want meaning to my life. That can only come through YOU!

So me what I have to do. Stop being silent! Talk to me! Assume I am a complete idiot (Which is not far from the truth.) and spell it out clearly for me. Show me what it is you want me to do. It cannot be what it is now. If this is it, you can give me a massive heart attack and get me out of here.

Pastor Rob says that you want partners in this world. He says that you want me to help you as an agent as you redeem this world that you made and still love. Pastor Rob said that I will find you if I go into the mud, blood and grime of this world and proclaim the Good News of your Kingdom. Well, here I am. I have been stuck in this crap for a long, long time...and I don't like it very much.

I don't feel like I am moving at all. It feels more like I am either sinking, or walking backwards. Can't you help me? I know you have the power to make all things new. I know you have the ability to pull me up. Why won't you do it?

I am convinced that you have something for me to accomplish in this life. I do not want your wrath, your Desire mixed with Grief to be. I want to participate in your inheritance. Help me please! Show me! Tell me! What is your will for my life?

Talk to me...PLEASE!




  1. Oh my dear friend,

    God loves you so much...

    He knows the desires of your heart. He hears every one of your prayers. He holds you in His arms, when you cry.

    As I told you many months ago, I believe that you are right where He needs you to be... Maybe He is using this time, in your life, to calm your heart. To simply show you the value that you hold, in your own spirit.

    I know when I came into the store to talk to Paula, about cashiering, yet one more time in my life, I had to lay down my heart, before I could have that conversation. I had been through 2 job eliminations, had no current prospects, and was at a really discouraging point in my life...

    Perhaps I had to lay down my pride, from feeling that I was taking huge steps backwards... But I knew that I had to pull myself together, and simply decide that I was going to like my work, no matter how long it might last...

    God has blessed me with wonderful co-workers (like you!!), and really awesome customers! Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? NO. But I know, that for now, God has a plan for me. To use me, right where I am, in these moments.

    We have no promise for a tomorrow, on this Earth. Only TODAY.
    I need to use every one of my TODAY'S, in a way that is pleasing to God.

    HE WILL advance me FORWARD, when He has His plans, circumstances, and details all worked out, that will be good and right for me. I have to be patient.

    God has promised me AND YOU, nothing but HIS BEST!

    He loves you so terrifically much, and He is blessing your life ----
    every single minute, of every single day! :)

    Perhaps the silence is His way of answering your cries and your prayers. Perhaps it is His way of showing you that you need to be patient, and wait on Him. He WILL provide what your next step is to be, when you can show Him that you can be content with what you currently have...

    You are so incredibly loved! He hears you. He loves you.

    Me too! :)


  2. thank you for your honesty. God knows i can relate.